I love being a Mom.
I love being at work.
Herein lies the dilemma.
I started my job two years before we decided to start our family, and it’s a job I really enjoy. However, when Berry Boy was due to come along, Berry Guy and I both felt that it would be best if I were able to stay home full time with him and not have to return to work – our finances were tight but we made it work, and neither of us has ever regretted that decision. I would not trade those years with Berry Boy for anything.
When Berry Boy turned 3, I returned to work part time. They asked, they offered hours that I could definitely live with, and “Granny” (my MIL) was willing to look after Berry Boy for 2 days a week while my sweet and wonderful friend was willing to take him for the half day per week. And I have never regretted this decision either.
Now, since having Berry Baby, I work basically part time, but my employer is gracious enough to allow me to work most of that from home, and I put in 2 mornings per week in the office. And Granny takes care of Berry Baby (Berry Boy is in Kindergarten on these days).
This is soooo ideal, and I love it. But I still have this conflict inside.
When I’m at work, there’s nowhere I’d rather be. I’m driven, I work hard, and I want all the things that go with that – I want to work my way up, learn new stuff, maybe get that “prime” cubicle space…
When I’m at home, there’s nowhere I’d rather be. I love taking care of my house (even though this is monotonous at times), I love being with the boys, I love being home when Berry Boy gets off the bus, I love having time for coffee with friends, I love being able to fit my run in whenever I need to…
I don’t know how to reconcile these parts of me. When I’m at work, I wish that I could be there more often and do more. But when I think about what would be sacrificed for that, my heart absolutely rebels. But when I see co-workers training in stuff that I had anticipated training in (before babies), or new employees getting nicer digs than me (it wouldn’t pay, really, on 2 mornings a week, for me to ask for a prime spot), I feel anxious. Or sad. Or something.
So how do I reconcile all this? I want to be at work, and yet I don’t want to be at work.
I have angst.
I think I’ll have a brownie with ice cream.
Or a run.
But probably the brownie.
8 comments:
I know how you feel. I have worked off and on in the past 7 years..but when baby three came along I knew I wanted to stay home full time. Yes I do still feel like I would want to go back sometime part time..but then I realize that this is what I wanted to do what I feel convicted to do what my husband would have me to do. I also homeschool my oldest (that was hard when I worked part time).
But... that doesn't mean being home is for everyone! Those feelings of working hasn't went away for me.. I usually have them when the house is in chaos! You just have to decide what works best for YOU! I do know how you truly feel though...it is not easy. I just started making it a matter of prayer and searching for what God would have me to do. That always seems to work best as you know :) I will pray for you in these because I know how hard it feels to be torn between home and work..the old me and the new mommie.
Joy
Ah Joy, I think you just hit the nail on the head for me. "The old me and the new mommie". I think this angst does stem from the fight between those two things - the old me who wanted the career and to be good at my job...the new me (as a mom) who wants what's best for her family and loves BEING a mom...
Thanks for your words and certainly covet your prayers.
ahhhh.... I think "someone" only wants you to *feel* you are conflicted. May I be so bold (and I know I can cause you are *that* kind of friend, the kind I can be totally, brutally honest with and you hear and sift and sort as all great friends are prone to do) to suggest that you are not really conflicted at all? You know that our DHF has made a perfect, custom fit place for you in that job of yours. You know you don't really *want* anything different and that it really couldn't get any better.
When you look at those other people with the coveted cubicles (I guffawed at this because man, I just can't picture myself coveting ANY of the cubicles in that building heh heh (sorry... very gauche of me), and hear of the steady advancement of training courses going under the belts of your collegueas, just remember that there are seasons in life.
Keep enjoying this one as you have been doing and don't let ANYONE (and you know exactly who I mean... are these thoughts in the third person by the way? heh heh....) rob you of that.
I'll be praying for you to be lucid about this and happy and sure in who you are, what you're doing, and WHY you're doing it. You will have plenty of opportunities to take those same courses in the future, and really... there's only so many of them right? They're not going anywhere. But you're kids are growing. Fast. These moments with them are *not* opportunities that will always be there. Invest your best in them. Which I know you do. I'm just reminding you of what you already know... and talking for a really long time... you know... so that I can drown out that other voice that's conflicting you. Did it work? *grin*
ugh... YOUR kids. sigh.
pchick, you hit it exactly on the head. (personally I think so, anyways). so sit back (on the treadmill, after the brownie) and enjoy the best of both. you are doing a terrific motherly job, and am so glad you have an understanding and helpful employer that allows you to work from home, even when you might rather do that work at the office :P
I'm so glad you're not always at work. Cuz then you can still coffee with me. Sigh.
And I had a grande caramel macchiato with an extra shot of coffee tonight, and couldn't order without thinking of you, dear friend.
Yup, seasons... hang in there, there is a time for everything:)
I think it is wonderful the way it has worked out for you...
I suppose if I had had relatives around I might have worked, just cuz sometimes I worry I will have a rotten resume when I do wanna start working again... but then I realise, by them I might be such a different person I will not wanna do what I took college for... lately I have been thinking about starting all over in that regard once the kids are all in school... and picking a new career...
Why do mom's feel so conflicted? It seems like a mom thing...
thanks for all your thoughts girls. One REALLY crappy night later and I am wishing to be back at work full time (lol) - just kidding...
Certainly season of life, I think there will always be a BIT of an inner *angst* between "professional" me and "mommie" me...and I think that today I will just be thankful for the position that I have right now, no matter how long it lasts (or doesn't last...)
I relate a whole lot to your conflict, but I'm still in the student role and I feel like my future career possibilities are endless! But what do I really want to do? What does God want me to do? Must keep seeking Him. Thanks for your transparency.
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