In The Groove

I had a post all written up with a huge rant about how my weight seems to be climbing instead of falling, and how I have this inexplicable layer of fat around my belly that has never been there before, causing me to hike up the waist on my pants to cover the bulge every time I sit down, but I’m over it.

Because, here’s the thing:  all those things are still happening, but I don’t really care.

I’ve made a new discovery about myself.  It’s way more important to me to feel fit and strong, than to feel skinny.

I’m really surprised.

Seriously.  Because being “skinny” has always been very, very important to me.  I’ll admit it.  I’ve obsessed over my pant size, lamented the loss of smaller dress sizes, and occasionally wished that I had the willpower to be anorexic.  I know, there’s nothing healthy about that.  I’m just being honest.  Besides, anorexia will never be my problem – I love eating way too much.  Bulimia will also never be my problem because I am puke-phobic.

Since my hip problem has settled down and my back no longer seizes up 10 minutes after a run, I have hit my running groove again and it feels excellent.

And I’ve realized that when my legs are strong and (relatively) fast then I don’t really care what size they are.  When I can complete a solid 8k run the day after a long run, and not be in excruciating pain after, I don’t care that my weight is about 10lbs more than it *should* be.

Strong trumps skinny.

I love it.

And don’t worry, I’m totally aware that while I may not ever have an eating disorder I can certainly have an exercise disorder.  I’m doing my best to be sensible – I feel like I could run every single day, but I won’t, because I would probably wreck something.  I’m still striving for balance, I’m still spending time with my Bible (daily, even, a totally new discipline for me), I don’t freak out when life intervenes and I can’t get the run in that I had planned to.

But I’m loving the change in my head.

*This is not to say that I won’t have a drastic meltdown and complete mental reversal when my next PMS episode strikes

*Also, I do not mean that I don’t want to be skinny at all anymore.  I do.  It’s just less important.  At the moment.  And I reserve the right to change my mind with the swing of my hormones.

Ah, Love

It’s Valentines day, and I’m working out Berry Guy’s Plus/Minus for the day.

You know, like in hockey?  A plus for every goal that gets scored (by your team) while you’re on the ice, but a minus for every goal scored against your team while you’re on the ice?

Anyway, here’s how the day is breaking down:

PLUS – Berry Guy remembered that it was Valentines Day

PLUS – He told me that he had left a Heart Shaped cookie on the table for me

MINUS – it was a cookie that I HAD MADE the night before

MINUS – there wasn’t actually a cookie on the table for me

PLUS – he gave me a card for “Love Week” (because it’s our anniversary on the 19th) with a chocolate bar attached to it

Seems like he’s doing ok.*

We get to spend our Valentines Day in the neighbouring town for Berry Boy’s hockey play offs.  Yay me.  At least I have chocolate…

*but it’s only 2pm