Conflicted

I love being a Mom.

I love being at work.

Herein lies the dilemma.

I started my job two years before we decided to start our family, and it’s a job I really enjoy.  However, when Berry Boy was due to come along, Berry Guy and I both felt that it would be best if I were able to stay home full time with him and not have to return to work – our finances were tight but we made it work, and neither of us has ever regretted that decision.  I would not trade those years with Berry Boy for anything.

When Berry Boy turned 3, I returned to work part time.  They asked, they offered hours that I could definitely live with, and “Granny” (my MIL) was willing to look after Berry Boy for 2 days a week while my sweet and wonderful friend was willing to take him for the half day per week.  And I have never regretted this decision either.

Now, since having Berry Baby, I work basically part time, but my employer is gracious enough to allow me to work most of that from home, and I put in 2 mornings per week in the office.  And Granny takes care of Berry Baby (Berry Boy is in Kindergarten on these days).

This is soooo ideal, and I love it.  But I still have this conflict inside.

When I’m at work, there’s nowhere I’d rather be.  I’m driven, I work hard, and I want all the things that go with that – I want to work my way up, learn new stuff, maybe get that “prime” cubicle space…

When I’m at home, there’s nowhere I’d rather be.  I love taking care of my house (even though this is monotonous at times), I love being with the boys, I love being home when Berry Boy gets off the bus, I love having time for coffee with friends, I love being able to fit my run in whenever I need to…

I don’t know how to reconcile these parts of me.  When I’m at work, I wish that I could be there more often and do more.  But when I think about what would be sacrificed for that, my heart absolutely rebels.  But when I see co-workers training in stuff that I had anticipated training in (before babies), or new employees getting nicer digs than me (it wouldn’t pay, really, on 2 mornings a week, for me to ask for a prime spot), I feel anxious.  Or sad.  Or something.

So how do I reconcile all this?  I want to be at work, and yet I don’t want to be at work.

I have angst.

I think I’ll have a brownie with ice cream.

Or a run.  

But probably the brownie.

Ah, the weary drudgery of it all...

"Work at Home" sounds a lot easier than it is turning out to be.

I like work. Or I should say, I like my job. I like going there for the mere 4hours per day, 2 days per week that I am there. And when I'm there, I'm there. I like being there, I'm focussed on the work, and I'm loving it.
I like being at home too. I love being with my kids, taking the time to run, getting stuff done like dishes and laundry (well, I don't really like it, but it feels good to get that stuff done and to know that the house is orderly and clean...ish).

The problem is, I'm all gung-ho when I'm at the office, but as soon as I get home, *poof*, I don't want to bother...because home-stuff is right in front of me - the dishes that need washing, the sticky spots on the floor that need wiping, the grocery list that needs tweaking...and on and on. The kids need attention, supper isn't making itself, Berry Boy has skating lessons, we all have Small Group, and suddenly the 20hrs/week of work that I want to put in are vanishing before my eyes.

I'm just not sure how to reconcile my desire for "work" with my desire for "home". They seem to be at odds with each other.
I'm getting frustrated.