In an effort to continue to be "real", I have this issue rattling around in my brain and I think that if I can just put it down for once then maybe it will either (a) make sense; (b) go away; (c) make me realise how stupid it is.However, having written it all down, I am now wrestling with whether or not to post it. Is there ever a *good* time to bare your heart? Will I feel embarrassed? (well, probably...)
Anyway, I may as well just throw it out there, so here goes...
Bear with me as I try to make this make sense.
We already know that I have issues with prayer in general - I'm not good at it, not convinced that God *hears* me, but am convinced that even though He *can* do something He most likely *won't*.
Case in point - Berry Baby. And really, this is where it all comes to a head for me. Berry Baby has been an extremely difficult baby for me. Especially in those first few months when he was crying all the time and we didn't know why. Especially in those first few months when he was waking about every hour, every night, for nights and nights on end.
I prayed a lot during that time. And I prayed hard. I prayed that Berry Baby would stop crying. I prayed that he would start to sleep. When we learned that he had reflux, I prayed that God would correct the problem so that Berry Baby would not be in so much discomfort/pain. When none of that seemed to receive an answer, I thought perhaps I was asking too much. So I asked for less - I asked that Berry Baby would just be able to sleep. Then I whittled it down some more. I asked that Berry Baby just be able to sleep for 3hours in a row. Just 3. I really really really needed a stretch of sleep. And I would not even be done praying (begging really) and Berry Baby would already be screaming again.
At one point, I do believe I told Berry Guy that God hated me, which earned me a sharp rebuke so I didn't say it again, but I certainly thought it. However, after my doctor started treating me for PPD I regained a bit of perspective and rationality, and I know (logically) that God doesn't hate me, but I still have that nagging thought that either I am praying *wrong*, or not saying the right thing, or am just so sinful that God cannot hear me.
So as time has passed I have pushed all this to the background . I mean, I get it that God is soveriegn, I have no problem with that. He is not obliged to explain anything to me, and His reasons for not answering my prayers during that time are His and who am I to question Him. However, I still can't understand why He didn't step in. It would have been so simple, and He knew how little I was coping. And I get that worse things have happened to better people, and in the grand scope of things having a not-sleeping reflux baby really doesn't compare, but bear with me.
So I think I have a handle on this, and it's not like I'm thinking about it all the time, but then Berry Boy comes up to me a couple of weeks ago telling me that his foot is "tingly" and it won't go away. He is limping a bit and this seems odd. Then he says to me that it "sure would be nice of God to make my foot better wouldn't it Mom", and then asks if maybe when we go to church that day (it was Sunday) he could ask our pastor to pray for his foot.
And my first reaction to this? Am I glad that my little guy wants to ask God for something, that he is demonstrating the beginnings of his faith? Nope. I feel my heart sink. Because deep down I don't believe that God will answer this prayer, and I don't want my little boy to feel the same disapointment that I am feeling, and have been feeling. How sad is this.
So, I don't know what to do with all of this. I mean, as I've said, I get that there are worse things happening in the world, and I get that this pales in comparison. I also get that God is God and I am not one to question why He does or does not do certain things. I just don't know how to reconcile all this in my heart. I don't know how to make logic meet emotion.
Can anyone help me out on this?
5 comments:
the issue of prayer, sovreignty, God's will, our part in it all... deep stuff. I've been there. Crying and begging God to heal Prairie Boy so he wouldn't have to have his wee skull sawn open and scalpel surgery performed around his optical nerves. "I know you can do it God, PLEASE...." sob. Day in and day out. And it just got worse. And yet, in the end, it was for His greater glory, and for my (our) greater good. Impossible to see how so much stretching, testing, trying, pressure, could turn into a "sweet" memory and a happy ending.... but it has over time.
P-Guy tells me (and I think he is very wise) that instead of praying for my greater good OUT of a situation, to pray for my greater growth THROUGH the situation. Instead of praying for P-pumpkin to sleep, to pray that I will have the energy and patience and servant's heart to meet his needs. That God would give ME the strength to rise above the situation, rather than just remove the situation.
I'm also waking up every 1-2 hours at night. It sucks. But I'm biting the bullet and making it an exercise in servanthood, sacrificial love, and any other good character quality I can try to put into practice when I am forced to haul my butt out of bed 10 times a night (between picking him up and putting him back)...
it's in the fire that the gold is refined. it's under pressure that scum that otherwise lays dormant comes to
the surface and can be strained off and dealt with .
Ann had a good post about this recently.
http://aholyexperience.com/2008/09/of-steam-escape-and-pressure-work.html
Being honest, transparent and vulnerable is never silly, what's silly is never going deeper than skin deep. Silliness is fun, and has it's place, but my favorite moments are ones like this, where someone I love digs in the shovel and uncovers the inner workings of their heart.
(((digging right alongside you))).
thank you. That was the spiritual kick-in-the-ass that I needed (pardon me).
Of course, I totally knew that already. In fact, I've often spouted how hard times don't come because God is trying to "teach" us something, hard times just come, and God is waiting to see what our response is to the tough stuff.
So why haven't I been able to remember all that until now? Man, has my response ever SUCKED. really. I have been so angry and disapointed - that God couldn't answer one measley prayer for some sleep, that He wouldn't intervene when I was so tired and frustrated that I was being less-than-gentle with Berry Baby, that when I was at my absolute worst and struggling to not slap Berry Baby across the face when he wouldn't stop screaming, God didn't seem to be around.
I've been through worse stuff in the past, and I've never struggled with my response the way I have with this, and I'm not sure why.
But thank you for the focus shift - it was exactly what I needed.
your response hasn't *sucked*. you are a SUPER mom and you are doing a FANTASTIC job. I'm sure you're not perfect, but don't beat yourself up over not having 20/20 vision while dealing with a colicky newborn, post partem depression, and alot of underlying stress regarding B-guys work and livelihood. You have come through with flying colors considering. I think you are way too hard on yourself.
I'm saying this on the one hand, even though on the other hand I *love* that you constantly challenge yourself and that we can have discussions like this...
So I think the other part of the equation is a good dose of guilt. Because it took so long to actually HAVE Berry Baby, and we and our small group and our friends prayed earnestly for him, and when I was finally pregnant i though "really, NOW?" It wasn't the "best" time in my books. The "best" time was a year ago or two years ago. And then when we had him, at one point in those first months I looked at him and thought "THIS was the baby we were praying for for FOUR YEARS?"
I felt totally guilty for feeling like that - here is the blessing that we've waited for and prayed for, and THIS is how I feel. niiiiice.
So I guess that doesn't help much.
Anyway, I had a good quiet time last night over some of this after reading Luke 2 (&3) and Romans (for SS). It was probably the most "real" quiet time I've had in a while.
((hug))
((tears))
I'm there with you. I may not have wise words... but I'm on my knees for you and with you.
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